Freitag, 16. November 2012

Masquerade or: about the reversed culture shock part 1

Woooow, finally gonna write again!!!^0^
Actually, I don’t have the time, since I’m lost in learning, tests, homework etc.!>< next week I 'll write MATHS AND PHYSICS exam, but today, I swear, I just CAN’T study!!!TT__TT(I know, I’ll curse myself for that next week!=w='‘) But since i DEFINITELY want to continue this blog, and it’s been a loooong while, I decided to take a time-out today no matter what and write down THIS VERY POST!!!^v^ Ain’t no bloody maths gonna stop me, I swear!!!>:D

It’s a really intensive time for me, since I’m still in the middle of the reverse-culture shock, and I also have a lot of stuff up to do in school...*sigh*. I always feel so uncomfortable to say that I still have another 1 1/2 year to go until matura(graduation of high school). Because all my classmates from Japan gonna graduate in spring!>o< Also, they most know exactly what they want to do next, what to study at university, what to become and what to aim for, while I still don’t have a clue. Well, actually that’s not quite right, I don’t have the problem of not having ANY clue, but of having too much!!!>o< It’s just, I’m interested in so many different things, I just can’t decide on what to focus on!=o=

At least, I know now pretty sure what I want to do for my graduation-project: I think I’m going to write a book about traveling, culture differences, experiences, wanderlust and many things more. In short terms: A book about my last year. And as a alternate project I would illustrate Japanese legends, Haikus and Tanakas; which would also be great fun, but I hope that I’m allowed to do the first one, because I always had somewhere in my mind to eventually become a writer/storyteller/author/novelist. And this graduation project would be like the perfect possibility to examine wether I’m cut out for that or not! Another thing I dream of is to be in the media (like announcer, reporter, columnist, or especially actress, though this is reeeeeally hard busyness!>_<) Another thing I’d totally love to do is art, but there is a problem:

To tell you the truth, I want to become rich. Rich and independant. Not for some facile reasons. It’s just, I still have so many places I want to visit, so many things I want to try out, so many countries I want to live in for one or more years to learn about the culture and the language. And for that, two things are necessary:

Independence and money.

Because I don’t wan’t to worry about whether I’m able to buy myself this ice-cream or that cinema-ticket each and every time, I want to prosper and lead a a good, interesting and fulfilling life! I’m aware that this ARE ambitious goals, but I’m willing to work for it! But I think it’s pretty hard to get there being an artist, considering the fact that it is rather an unprofitable kind of occupation. But, as we say in German:“Aufgeschoben ist nicht aufgehoben“ which means as much as „there’s always another time“. Just because I have to study something, it won’t necessarily mean that this will be what I’m doing my entire life!

OMG, there is soo much going on at the moment!>_<
As I wrote before, I’m still in the middle of the reversed culture shock: I just thought that I finally had adjusted to the Swiss lifestyle again when the second wave of the reversed culture shock started. I think one doesn’t realize how different the two lifes in the different countries are until one comes back . Well, at least that was the case with me! when I came back, there were so many things I was puzzled about; it was as if I’d never been to Switzerland before, tough this is the very country I grew up in!! I think I was so Japanized I felt myself as a tourist!xD
but seeing your own country through the eyes of a stranger can be pretty interesting as well, I can tell you!!x))
But I think, the first period of the reverse-culture shock is the most cruel one!!! I felt like I could never feel comfortable in this country again! I hated to be here. I hated the culture and habits; I hated all those ugly gajin faces around me (it was a shock after having all those pretty Japanese people around me - it came as far that I thought of people being handsome I’d never have thought of when I was in Japan, just because they were ASIAN!!xP), I hated this plump Swiss-German, which actually isn’t even a proper language and the fact, that the language I’d be surrounded with for at least the next two years wouldn’t be Japanese anymore; I hated the typical Swissness and that nowbody seemed to understand me; but what I probably hated the most was the fact that I had changed so much. Well, actually I was really proud of it, I didn’t hate it at all; but THAT was the true reason why everything else had changed so dramatically.
Each and every day, every single minute I wished I would be back where I belong to, or at least at another place. Everything was better than being in this obdurate place. There wasn’t a single minute I didn’t miss my friends or host-families. In contrary, when I went to Japan, of course I wanted to tell my friends and family what I experienced, but I never REALLY missed them! I think I learned back here in Switzerland, for the first time in my entire life, what the meaning of „homesickness“ is.

Each time I left the house, I donned a mask. Smiling and pretending everything to be fine, because I knew society can’t handle this kind of things. First, I didn’t pretend to be okay, but I realized very fast that people couldn’t unerstand me, even if I explained to them. I guess this is one sorta thing you can’t understand unless you 've lived through it by yourself. I realized that talking about my problems just made things worse, because people just always said „oh-“ and „I see..“, but since they couldn’t understand the couldn’t say much more about it. And each time I tried to share my experiences with them, there was this awkward change in atmosphere afterwards, like the conversation couldn’t go on fluently anymore, and everyone had this awkward, concerned facial expression: Trying to empathize but unsure how to react. There always was this silence; not long, maybe just three or five seconds, but it felt like years and it was this kind of silence that can be louder than a thousand thunders -  if you know what I mean. I don’t accuse the people not wanting to help me, it just was that they simply were not able to.
And so I decided to start a masquerade, at least for the time being. From this point on, I had two identities: The one I showed to society, and the one I locked up inside myself to perevent on going mad. The face expressing a smile outside, while the mind cursing and the heart crying in agony inside. The only place I could be myself was at home, because the person living there has the wonderful ability to take things as they are and, most important: to just treat one normal, and not as some kind of extraterrestrial species or new Asian import virus -an interesting curiosity but kind of suspicious-. Just normal. I’m glad to be blessed with you - thank you for all mum!

 But times like these always make one stronger; as it was the case with this one. With the time, I accepted the facts and tried to make the best out of the situation. And finally I kind of got adjusted up to an acceptable level to Swiss lifestyle, I 'm about to get the same kind of humor again (I can tell you, this is one of the most awkward things about culture differences - everybody laughs about something but you. One the other hand, you are bursting in laughter while the rest of a room filled with people stays deadly silent!!>.<‚‘xD), I don’t have that much trouble with the language anymore(it’s wicked if you won’t remember words in your mother tongue but recall them easily in another language) and made some new friends.
That’s another interesting thing:With some of my old friends, maybe not even that close, I could easily reconnect and in some cases I’m even closer now than before; while in other cases, were the person was really precious to me (actually still is), we don’t have to tell each other much at the moment. Well, I was prepared for that, but it’s still interesting somehow, how human relations can change within a year...(:

...phuuuuuu, that was a looooong one, and I still have sooooo much to say!!!0w0’’ I’m so sorry for exhausting you with such a long post, and I really want to thank you if you made it all the way down here!!^0^ I’ll really try to post more frequently and to write shorter posts in return, promised!!>.<
And I think the next post will be a bit more...brighter/light, cause this one was DEFINITELY rather a heavy one!!!^^’’
But I couldn’t help it, I just had to write it down somewhere, and as I said, I’m sick of always thinking weather I should or should not say something 'cause it could bother some people - This here is my sphere of free thinking, and those who don’t like it are not forced to read it.

Well, enough of talk for today (actually rather for tonight  -it has gotten pretty late/early!-.-'‘)xD.
Stay healthy and don’t catch a cold, until sooooooooon,

your cheeky devil!;P